What have I Become? (Josh)

[EMILE PETER AVAANT]

Emile reached out and tried to stop her as she quickly walked away. He knew he should have followed her, to beg her not to hate him for something he had no control over. But he DID have control, and he lost it. He lost if to a stupid piece of himself that shouldn't have had that power.

As she vanished from view, Emile got to his feet and stumbled slowly towards the small lake nearby. When he got to the bank he sank to his knees, ignoring the cold and everything else. He simply stared into his reflection for what seemed like an hour. It probably was.

And then he began to scream and cry. He punched the rocks in the river bank until his knuckles ran with blood. He screamed until his voice was so raw he could hardly talk. And then he simply curled up in a tiny little ball and rocked himself until the sun began to rise. His body demanded sleep but Emile couldn't. As the sun struck him, he shifted, finally. Sat up.

There was no sound this time, nothing. He simply stared out into the Lake, bloodshot eyes unblinking, his body shivering from the cold.

He didn't care. He just wanted to die right now.

And if the Pack found out? They'd kill him. Part of him wished they would. The Wolf whimpered in his mind at his reactions. He didn't care. It backed off then, knowing full well how much self hatred Emile held within him.

[t1138k]

Brent was taking a stroll through the forest around the pack den. Well actually it was less of a stroll and more of a marathon by this point, he had been walking around in circles for hours. The pack den was actually quite a bit a ways back now. Brent wasn't sure why he was walking so much, I guess I just love the outdoors he thought to himself. Brent decided to head to a small lake that was nearby, he could go for a swim, no one else was around.

As Brent drew closer to the lake he could sense the general direction of one of his pack mates through the pack bonds. Ah, Brent thought, maybe they would like to join me for a swim. Brent approached the position of his packmate as stealthfully as he could manage, and stealth was a specialty of his. Brent crept to the tree line around the lake, just behind his quarry. It was Emile, he should appretiate a little game like this Brent thought. It was then that Brent realized Emile was crying, Brent's keen hearing could pick up Emile's sobs, now that he wasn't concentrating so hard on being stealthy. Brent became immediately upset himself, if anyone had harmed Emile again, Brent was going to make them pay. That is if Emile hadn't done so already, he was still a werewolf after all.

Brent left the tree line, foregoing his stealthy approach and playful ambush. "Emile...", Brent said quietly, "...is everything alright?" Brent hated to see the boy upset, but he couldn't see any visible wounds from this vantage point.

[EMILE PETER AVAANT]

So it was Brent.

Emile shook his head ever so slightly, turning to look at Brent. He had no fun on his face; not the youth of a child or otherwise. His eyes where bloodshot and he was obviously freezing - only what he was preventing anything serious from setting in.

"No."

He whispered quietly, tucking his legs to his chest as best he could and gazing into the space where his knees didn't touch. His voice came out as a hoarse whisper - his throat was still tender.

"No, I'm not Okay Brent. I'm... a monster and I deserve to die."

Then he began to cry again, digging his fingers into his face until blood started to run down his cheeks as he rocked back and forth slowly.

"I... She wanted to meet up again. I agreed. I shouldn't have, after Arrow and stuff but I thought i'd be okay. I tried to get her to run Brent I did... The Wolf... he..."

Emile turned to look at Brent again, shaking so hard he thought he'd have a fit as he tried to say it - couldn't. He took a breath and tried again. A croak came out this time.

"He made me... Rape her, Brent. He wanted her. I tried to stop it. God I did Brent. She was in Heat and... I tried so hard but I couldn't stop it. I had to watch it. I felt it. I tried to say sorry but she ran and Oh my god Brent what did I do?!"

Emile screamed the last line and picked up a rock, throwing it so hard against a nearby tree it all but took half the trunk out in an explosion of splinters as he sunk to his knees and pressed his face into his hands again, sobbing.

"Kill me. I deserve it. Vis will, won't he? I didn't... I didn't mean to. I told myself i'd be Okay. I felt it take over and i tried to stop it Brent it wasn't me I swear! I didn't... I didn't mean to hurt her. I hurt her though and I felt it and it was so horrible Please... Please don't hate me!"

[t1138k]

Brent listened to Emile relate his tale, and was horrified but what he heard. Brent looked at Emile in a very different light, he suddenly was no longer the boy Brent saw him as before. "Emile this is important, who was she, you mentioned she was in heat, was she a werewolf?" Emile had mentioned Arrow, but he doubted Emile could over come her, one Arrow was too dominant for that. Brent listened to Emile, he didn't know who this shifter was.

Brent didn't know where to start, so he knelt down in front of Emile and grabbed his hands. At least he could stop Emile from clawing at his own face. "Look Emile, I'm not going to kill you." Brent looked Emile in the face, "And neither is Vis." This is the part Brent didn't like, he'd have to get tough on Emile, even if it meant asserting some dominance over him.

"I now you lost control Emile, and I know that is scary, but I think it is your fault." Brent saw that he got Emile's attention. "You see the way I was raised, my family... they taught me that the wolf is another part of ourselves, not a separate entity." Brent hoped he was explaining this clearly. "You see the wolf is an instinctual part of you, but in the end it's just you." Brent didn't want to demoralize Emile, "Thats why I don't name my wolf, its not something else inside me, its just me. The more you separate your self from your wolf, the more you deny its you, the more power you give it." Hmm I should clarify that, "Its like if the pack started just ignoring you, giving you a different pack name, accepting that you were here but constantly saying you weren't one of us. Wouldn't this make you mad."

"My point is since this makes you mad, and the wolf being you, it gets mad. That part of you doesn't like to be considered separate from you." Okay Brent, stop lecturing and get to the point. "My point is, if you want more control, you'll have to embrace that part of you." Now comes the even harder part, "That also means taking responsibility for your actions, no matter how bad. Part of you wanted to do this, you'll just have accept that. No matter how hard that may be."

[jess]

Please disregard this thread.